I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.