There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
i baked you a cake
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
The 6 types of sex
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES