Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You Might Also Like
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.