Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.