ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You Might Also Like
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My neck, my back, my…
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When you’ve simply given up.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!