Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.