you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Always
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.