Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.