I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal