Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose