Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?