My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*