Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what