Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba