Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.