SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]