[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY