– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in