Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Breaking news:
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton