Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠