People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Your secret is safeish with me
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …