[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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calling in to work dehydrated
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I have so many questions.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”