Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel