No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When I said I liked it rough.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
getting old is fun
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS