Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Writing, She Murdered.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Interior design 👌
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata