“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”