[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Just me?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”