before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Dead sexy!!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..