My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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This is not me but this is me
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
December birthdays be like…
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.