I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.