Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.