Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
life finds a way
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.