waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion