I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I created you as mosquito food.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
6. me as a lawyer
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
three things we don’t talk about