Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue