O Wise One….
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT