Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?