Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
How about daylight saves us for once
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party