SCARY COSTUME
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I am having an out of money experience.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.