I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir