Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?