My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Did I do this right
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em