is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Feels
Scream sneezers need love too.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *