Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
dictator is short for richard potato
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Ion see the issue
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
adding to the discourse
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on