[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.