These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.