Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.