cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.