[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
You Might Also Like
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond