white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.